Today hasn't been easy. It's not the first without my dad but the second. I don't express my emotions about the situation often because it's easier to keep them locked inside. My father is still alive and well but not in my life. I closed that door. I asked him not to speak with me until he was on good speaking terms with my mother. I did it out of respect of others. I did it out of love. I have no doubt that I was loved growing up but through the pain, that love was not enough for me. I wanted to fix things. I wanted to try and make a way for a relationship to work but it wasn't possible. There was pain and there was suffering. The man I looked up to for so long wasn't the same man I knew anymore. Something was different, something still is different.
I'm not at the point in my life to reach out to him to try and reconcile but my brother was. My brother, who has the most genuine heart of hearts. The one, aside from our mother, has struggled through this all. He reached out. He wrote words that were full of love and kindness and hope that maybe something has changed only to be punched in the gut with "what you could do for me now". It's heartbreaking to watch someone's view of someone else be completely shattered especially when they are loved ones. It's heartbreaking to know that those "homecomings" that were eagerly awaited for were for someone that didn't even want to try for one last homescoming. Someone that isn't concerned with our feelings anymore.
I won't say there isn't pain on both sides of this situation because there is. Actions were made and we chose to take a side. We didn't take his side. We carry his name but her blood runs in our veins.
It hurts. Us all.
I know I'm not the only one that has ever felt this pain. I know I'm not the only one who has lost their father. I know I'm not the only one that wanted things to be different. BUT what I do know is that I have a Heavenly Father who is looking out for me. I have a Heavenly Father who has found beauty in the suffering and has brought pieces back together. He is my greatest comforter and is pouring out unfailing love. Each year will be different and each year I will cherish the memories I had with my dad as I hold onto Christ's hand through them all. My earthly father did his best raising me and my Heavenly Father will continue to guide me through life.
Happy Father's Day, Dad. You are loved and cherished. May you see the beauty in each new day.
